Accept that the relationship is over. Once you’ve made the decision to end the relationship, commit yourself to leaving. That means figuring out the logistics of divorce (Where are you going to stay? Should you retain a lawyer or is mediation your best bet?) and also coming to terms with the finality of your decision, said Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist and the author of Fool Me Once: Should I Take Back My Cheating Husband? “Stop waiting for your spouse to come through the door,” she said. “Stop arguing about the affair. There is nothing to argue about anymore.” Instead, Madden said to “take an honest inventory of how the relationship wasn’t working for you. If he or she was cheating, your needs probably weren’t being met and you deserve to be with a spouse who doesn’t bail during rough times.”
Stop wasting your energy hating the affair partner. It may feel cathartic to disparage and name-call your ex’s affair partner when you rant to your friends, but at some point, you’ll need to curb your anger, said Madden. Since your ex was the one who made your marriage vows, the lion’s share of the blame should rest on his or her shoulders, she added. “When you waste your energy thinking about the affair partner, you get sucked into comparing yourself to him or her and hating yourself,” Madden said. “You may think you are judging her, but you’re actually judging yourself.” Even if you think you’re fitter, more accomplished and an all-around better person than the other man or woman, drawing comparisons is ultimately a losing proposition, she said. “In any event, your husband or wife chose the other person over you,” she said. “If you keep thinking about her, you will continue to hurt yourself, more and more.”
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Don’t let anyone dictate forgiveness. Forgiveness is the next step to moving on but don’t let anyone rush you, said Schorn. “Don’t let anyone dictate that timeline or say that you ‘must’ forgive,” she said. “Let go of some superhuman expectation of magnanimity and forgiveness. Just focus on building your new life. You’ll get to the ‘meh’ stage eventually, I promise.” And if you’re worried that forgiveness is a tall order, it may help to know how Schorn defines the word when it comes to infidelity. “Forgiveness means your ex doesn’t have the power to hurt you any more,” she said. “It takes a long time to get there. In the process, be kind to yourself.”
Stop wasting your energy hating the affair partner. It may feel cathartic to disparage and name-call your ex’s affair partner when you rant to your friends, but at some point, you’ll need to curb your anger, said Madden. Since your ex was the one who made your marriage vows, the lion’s share of the blame should rest on his or her shoulders, she added. “When you waste your energy thinking about the affair partner, you get sucked into comparing yourself to him or her and hating yourself,” Madden said. “You may think you are judging her, but you’re actually judging yourself.” Even if you think you’re fitter, more accomplished and an all-around better person than the other man or woman, drawing comparisons is ultimately a losing proposition, she said. “In any event, your husband or wife chose the other person over you,” she said. “If you keep thinking about her, you will continue to hurt yourself, more and more.”
More on next page
Don’t let anyone dictate forgiveness. Forgiveness is the next step to moving on but don’t let anyone rush you, said Schorn. “Don’t let anyone dictate that timeline or say that you ‘must’ forgive,” she said. “Let go of some superhuman expectation of magnanimity and forgiveness. Just focus on building your new life. You’ll get to the ‘meh’ stage eventually, I promise.” And if you’re worried that forgiveness is a tall order, it may help to know how Schorn defines the word when it comes to infidelity. “Forgiveness means your ex doesn’t have the power to hurt you any more,” she said. “It takes a long time to get there. In the process, be kind to yourself.”
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